I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
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*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
Still cracks me up
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial