I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
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If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
HR said no more nunchucks.
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible