Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
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me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
we’re dead?
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it