The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
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Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
what’s the point then??
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.