I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
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This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
I’M CRYINGGG
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
Every time.
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
Okay
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom