Every time.
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If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
do horses think humans are hats
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
even bears disappoint their mothers
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
Bike is short for Bichael.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.