The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
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Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
the three genders
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.