I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
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My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
I have two kinds of followers
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.