Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
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Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?