I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
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Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.