The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
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My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.