“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
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The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.