My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
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Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity