Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
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mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
🙁
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money