I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
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[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
Banderslack Clamberdorch
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.