toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
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Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR