My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
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Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”