Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
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They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
I can’t deal with men any longer
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”