[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
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I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
who wants to go expliring
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
Inside you there are two wolves
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.