Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
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I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
that colleague who touches your screen
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
❤️🦆
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!