My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
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Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
79.
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
So that’s what we looked like?
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.