I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
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I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
what it’s like dating me:
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
Found the job I’m suited for
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.