“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
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Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.