“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
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Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
Help Wanted
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
asked my bf how work was today
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…