You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
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The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.