If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
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Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.