Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
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Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
Practicing safe sax
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
That’s not how days work.
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.