Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
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[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
#MeanwhileinCanada
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.