[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
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Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.