Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
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Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING