Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
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I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.