6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
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How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
Do one person every day that scares you.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
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