I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
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Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.