I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
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Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.