[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
You Might Also Like
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
Going to church you guys need anything
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
Lol
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?