Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot

I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.

I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.

Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restart

Me: I’d like to restart

Windows:

just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch

My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.

humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out

Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”

I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers

If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.

I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable

my friends when i can’t do basic math

If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.

Priest: tell me your confessions

Me: I said the f word twice this week

Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else

Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.

Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic

Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.

Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.

Doctor’s office: Please hold.

Me: Okay.

Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?

Me: Please hold.

Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.

*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*

‘Sup

Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?

My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.

I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.

Of course I support real issues.

I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement

I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.

It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.

Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…

Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?

“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.

Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.

I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.