[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
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Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
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If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
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My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
I feel like people just come to the airport to cough
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
You can use an egg timer to tell you when your egg is cooked perfectly. For brown rice you can use a calendar.
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever