You can use an egg timer to tell you when your egg is cooked perfectly. For brown rice you can use a calendar.
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“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
Who called it baking and not making love
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys