There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
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BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
an airline just for babies.
Love it! 👍😂
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.