Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
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GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.