Harsh but fair
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Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.