Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
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Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
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| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|