Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
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No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
Meanwhile in Canada…
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
Husband of the year 😂
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.