Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
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Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better