I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
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BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
What even happened today?
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
Just grow your own
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right