I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
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MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
Me: I am a logical and rational fully grown adult.
Also me: I must run as fast as I can up the stairs after I’ve switched the light off at night so no monsters can grab me by the ankles.
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good