My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
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Sorry not sorry.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
Me, flirting😏
taking June’s advice to heart
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”