“TGIM!” – My liver
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Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
ME: i want the ad to say “for sale: baby shoes, never worn”
AD GUY: oh wow that’s so sad
ME: totally. they’re so cute but my feet were just too big
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.