My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
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Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”