Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.

“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.

can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again

I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now

I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”

*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*

All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall

Lean in

And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’

So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .

Guess who got his yard cut?

Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it

Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.