@JennyPentland

“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.

You Might Also Like

@MarkBuckawicki

A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through

@UncleDuke1969

Government Shutdown: Day 13

Anthony Weiner decides to help.

He takes a photo.

He tweets.

Congress now sees where balls are located.

@jakelikesnaps

“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H

@mariana057

One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.

@UnFitz

I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.

@afairiesweetear

the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago

@TheToddWilliams

“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”

MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China

@JerseyRambo

I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying

@Jandalize

My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20