I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
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*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .