I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
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Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP