IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
You Might Also Like
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
Finally a use for spoilers…
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.